10 February 2010

Betcha they don't listen...

Dear Spammer,

Thank you for your continued and persistent interest in my electronic life. Though we've never met, it warms my heart to know that there's someone out there with my best interests at heart; someone who will NEVER let a day go by without checking in.

However...

the time has come for us to part. This decision is in no way a reflection on you, your products, your ingenuity, or your ancestry and personal habits. It's simply for the best.

Due to lack of personal funds, I will be unable to send money via Western Union to claim my share of &800,000 usd. Neither can I afford to claim the 1 milon dalors waiting in your Hang Kong Bonk. The funds in Zimbabwe, left in your care by a desist busnissmen, will have to go to someone else.

I must also turn down your thoughtful offers of social networking. Since you are utterly unknown to me, it is unlikely that we have a single thing in common. Even "being human" must be discounted, as you are likely a software-based entity. I therefore will not be joining anyone's space, and I certainly do not wish to be a part of fu##book.

Thanks to my good health, I will not need to accept your gracious offers of CH3AP CANAD1AN M3DZ. I will not be buying bulk Ritolin, Percosot, or V1AGRA.

I do not need anything enlarged.

If I could afford to send the money to collect the AUSTRALY LOTTO PRISE!! waiting for me, I might consider taking you up on your repeated offers to refinish my cabinets. Until I take enough CH3AP M3DZ, however, I will not be persuing that particular shortcut to cash.

I am also not interested in your Invest Bank scheme. Yes, I'd love to be makeing thousand of dollar mothly, but the stat-up fund of $500 is unavailable.

Since you are so very well-off, perhaps you might invest your funds in a literacy program. Some spell-check software would also come in handy. Perhaps you could buy yourself a clue?

Farewell, dear Spammer. If ever you have MAGOR DISCOUNT ON CASHMEAR, drop me a line. Until then, "stupra fascino volante torum pistrinum provolventum".

9 comments:

Judy said...

amen!!

Lourie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well said my friend.

Michelle said...

Hahahaha, too funny! And too true!

Molly said...

Do they not know how their atrocious spelling tips us off,along with all the other clues? My Latin has all gone west; am dying to know what your last line says---but since this IS [isn't it?] a family blog, I guess a translation will be a no-go?

Molly said...

I recently discovered a blog I think you'd love! "Yarn Harlot" is having an Olympic knitting challenge---you might be interested!

silfert said...

It, er, has to do with rolling donuts... And things you can do with them...

yarndork said...

I keep getting offers from horny housewives. I think someone thinks I lead an alternative lifestyle just cause I'd rather birth with a midwife than a Dr.

persiflage said...

I hope they all take note, and cease and desist forthwith.
Since sending emails from Italy, I now get Italian spam. They do all seem obsessed with enhancing body parts.

The Lass said...

Hilarious!!

Must go and act ashamed - I seem to have forgotten everything I've learned within six years of Latin in school.