28 February 2011

I got yer money, right here!

Several weeks ago, I made the mistake of answering the phone. What can I say; the number looked familiar. When I said, "Hello?", I was sucked into a vortex of fast-talking political doublespeak. It was a majority campaign, and the dude on the other end of the line was doing his darnedest to convince me that with my help, we could stave off the destruction of all life as we know it.

While he didn't quite come out and SAY that the other party wants to eat your children and desecrate the corpses of loved ones, you could hear it in his voice. My contribution, he assured me, would not only save children and corpses, it would save the starving and turn deserts into lush oases.

Or something to that effect. The rhetoric was making my head hurt.

Since I didn't have a ten billion-volt power source with which to zap this bozo into silence, I did the next best thing. I offered to send him a donation for his cause.

With a condition.

I would send him ten dollars IF, and only if, I was still employed by the time his letter arrived. He immediately began singing praises to my ancestors and promised to send an addressed return envelope very soon. I hung up and massaged my ear.

A week later, my seasonal job ended. Bummer. Two days after that, the "give us the cash" letter arrived. Bummer for you, pal. No job, no money. Just like I said. I snickered at the claims made in said letter ("We made commitments based on your $10.00 pledge!") and tossed it. Somebody ought to be committed, all right. Sheesh.

Another letter arrived two weeks later, and another one showed up today. Apparently, my generous commitment will have immediate impact on the fight to save puppies and butterflies from the ravages of the other party. Or something to that effect. I no longer care; I've had enough of these letters. I whipped out a pen and wrote a reply on the back of the latest "If you don't send money, it means you hate kittens" letter.

"Dear Sir--
as I stated to your EXTREMELY enthusiastic assistant, my contribution hinged on the likelihood of me retaining my job. As my husband and I have both since joined the ranks of the unemployed, that ten dollar pledge has been spent on luxury items like food and diapers. Please dun me no more, and rest assured that if the country goes up in flames, I will shoulder my part of the blame."

I love kittens, but my letter's going in the mail tomorrow.


Kitten With a Whiplash said...

I am so glad to hear that you love Kitten(s)! Now just sit back and wait for the letter explaining that cessation of the giving of food to your child will obviate the need for diapers, thereby freeing your ten dollars to be put to better use in THE PARTY's fight against hunger and messy bottoms.

Molly said...

Sorry about the job. I've also gotten talked into contributions lately by making the mistake of answering the phone when I didn't know who it was and allowing myself to be guilted into it! Not once, but twice....slow learner.
I am relieved to hear you don't hate kittens.

Judy said...

Wish I had know earlier that you "love" kittens, I coud have sent Zeus to you.
Just tell them that your donation budget has been depleted for the year if they get you again. *snicker* *smile*

Anonymous said...

Oh, you puppy ravager you! ;)