10 December 2008

Tis the season to be greedy?

My dad is extremely anti-stupidity. Aside from his addiction to cake, he is also anti-greed. The story of the Wal-Mart employee killed by stampeding shoppers, therefore, really got him riled. It is from him that I inherited my sarcasm gene, and my need to confront personal grief and anger with twisted humor. As proof, I present my dad's take on the events of That Shopping Day. If this kind of humor is not your style, there's a lovely blog about art around here somewhere...


The day after Thanksgiving
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for this louse.
He’d stayed up all night
Guzzlin’ coffee galore;
He’d made up his mind
To be first at the store.

The sales were all starting
Exactly at four,
To get those swell bargains
He’d be first at the door.
He had to be ruthless
He had to be bold
To get all the treasures
That he longed to hold.

For Billy’s new bike
He would have to be fast.
To grab the right one
He couldn’t be last.
If he meets a woman
Who wants one of those
He’ll have to distract her
With a punch in the nose.

He put on his boots
And his bicycling gloves
He was ready for stomping
He was ready for shoves.
He even had “knuckles”
If that’s what it took.
To get the first five
Of that best selling book.

The sale started at four
But he was three-thirty
He was ready to get down
And to get dirty.
He had all his plastic
He knew how to pay
Now woe to the shopper
Who got in his way.

A punch in the kisser
A kick to the head
He’d use his new blackjack
The one with the lead.
He’d karate chop, high-kick
His way through the door
He’d leave other shoppers
Layin’ dead on the floor.

The stores were all closed
When he got to the mall
But the lights were a-gleaming
In the shops one and all.
The were ready to open,
Just a matter of time.
For bargains galore
Over shoppers he’d climb.

The four A.M. sale time
Had finally arrived
He was ready to rumble
He was ready to dive.
O’er the heads of those shoppers
He’d show ‘em some tricks.
With a few more karate chops
And a couple good kicks.

But wait, this jerk’s fumbling
Around with his keys.
He’s dropped them, he’s lookin’
Down on hands and knees.
Come on, open up
We can’t wait any longer.
Our feelings of avarice
Are getting’ much stronger.

Thirty seconds past sale time
They crashed through the door
Here’s a stomp and a kick
For that jerk on the floor.
The glass was so sparkly
In the fluorescent glow;
Gave the luster of snowfall
On the dead guy blow.

The stampede was on
And they put on some speed
On stinginess, venality
Covetous greed.
On ravenous grasping
In rapacious thrall,
Leap over the counters
Tear stuff from the wall.

When that dork in the wheelchair
Cut in on his graft
He arranged for a ride
Down the dumb-waiter shaft.
If women and children
His greed tried to stall
He’d thrash away, slash away,
Bash away all.

He stepped over the bodies
As he shouldered his loot.
He sneered at the fallen
And gave some the boot.
He looked all around
To see what he forgot
Then walked through the glass
To the big parking lot.

He jumped in his “Hummer”
And started to whistle
And away he flew
Like an un-guided missile.
Then they heard him exclaim
In a voice mean and gruff,
“To hell with you all,
I’ve got all my stuff!”


Mags said...

I was shocked to hear the news.
Your 'Black Friday' parody says it all. This tragedy is such a dismal reflection on our self centered greedy society!!!
Just heartbreaking.
Take care of you and yours.

Lourie said...

I couldn't believe it when I heard it. Then a shooting in Riverside at a Toys R us. Good grief! What is wrong with people! I do think the Wal-mart one was far worse. Those people behaved like animals. I got through it unscathed.

Thanks for the poem. I love your humor!

KFG said...

I'm with your Dad. This whole mess we're in is all about greed. Greed and excess, stuff, stuff, stuff. Our whole society is rooted in acquiring stuff.