22 March 2012

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Friends, are you stuck in a rut of boring cheerfulness? Do you find yourself repeating the same old pleasant pastimes? Are you ready to step up to the challenge of mind-boggling aggravation? Well, wait no longer!

By following our simple program, you can give Hamlet's measly slings and arrows a run for their money. And don't let the talk of money put you off! Our program is not only straightforward, it's very inexpensive. With five dollars and a pair of scissors, you too can drive yourself completely out of your mind!

Gather your best intentions and read up on sweater recycling. Got your five bucks? Okay! Head over to the nearest thrift store and choose a sweater. Be sure to pick one that is huge and made of hairy yarn. The next step is crucial: choose a Fair Isle sweater. You know, the ones with row upon row of colored patterns? A solid background with one or two accent colors is your best bet.

Once you're returned home with your prize, pour yourself a drink and grab the scissors. Go with coffee or tea; the need for alcohol will come later.

Are you ready?

Snip the seam stitches and start unraveling your sweater. Be sure to try and save every bit of "good" yarn, winding into separate balls as needed. Notice how the hairy yarn sticks to itself? This is one of the keys to a bonus feature of our simple program: an aneurysm! Yes, you'll be able to feel the blood vessels in your brain bulge with frustration as you try to convince the sweater to separate into its component parts.

SEE! the poor construction of a commercial garment.

FEEL! the rage mount as you come across yet another knot.

HEAR! yourself muttering obscenities that your children will write down for future reference.

SMELL! your brain cells begin to fry as your spouse gets his big feet hopelessly entangled in the pile of yarn you've managed to accumulate.

Yes, friends, the old ways of calm and relaxing hobbies are on the way out. Nerve-shattering wrath is the wave of the future. Jump on the bandwagon today!

1 comment:

Kitten With a Whiplash said...

As long as spouse has his big feet tangled in the yarn anyway, just tell him it's a new style of socks, and he'd better wear them after all the trouble you've gone to!