06 August 2010

The Procraftinator.

A knitter understands. A fellow knitter doesn’t even blink at the crazy lady in the craft aisle, snarling and muttering to herself over the complete lack of red-and-green yarn with sparklies. Nope. A fellow knitter would nod sympathetically and relate a similar tale of woe.

Whoa. What woe?

Well, it’s this way. When you have a serious knit addiction, you develop this need to drape everyone and everything in wool. With the thought of Christmas, this need ramps up into full-scale obsession.

It starts out as The Grand Scheme. Everyone on the list will get a knitted gift this year, the Procraftinator declares. A sweater for Dad, a shawl for Mom. A barn coat for Uncle Frank, a cute tote bag for Aunt Rose, mittens for all the kids. Heck, it’s January! A baby only takes nine months; think of what can be done in twelve!

Make that eleven. I sort of, ah, let January slip past. All that party aftermath, you know. No problem. Eleven months is plenty of time. Whaddaya mean, ten? It’s only… March? Where’d February go? Oh, right. Too much time spent staring at possible patterns. Fine. So the barn coat will be cast on with bigger needles and thicker yarn; it’ll go faster and be warmer. That still leaves…

Okay, why does the calendar say “April”? Well, because it turns out that I don’t like working with heavy yarns. When something isn’t fun, it gets put off. It’s a perfectly normal response. Uncle Frank would probably prefer a hat and scarf set, anyway. That’ll be a snap, because it’s still only…

That can’t be right. When did it get to be May? Never mind, let’s focus. Uncle Frank doesn’t wear scarves, and the kids ALWAYS lose their mittens. Okay, matching hats! Yes, matching hats will be great. Aunt Rose is always griping about her ears getting cold, anyway. Hmm, better get cracking on that shawl ; it’s almost…

JUNE?! Who’s been messing with the calendar? There is a lot of knitting to be done, people. You can’t go tearing off calendar pages and expect lace shawls. Skip it. Mom likes scarves better, anyway. Time to see about Dad’s sweater, because it’s…

There is no way it’s July already. It can’t be July, because there are still five hundred and eighty-two people to knit for. Five hundred and eighty-three? Cousin Sally’s having a baby? For crying out loud, doesn’t she know what causes that? Sigh. Fine. Baby blankets are easy enough.

Ugh, but not in August! Wool and August do not go together. How about some nice socks? All babies need socks. And Dad would like socks better than a sweater, and socks will knit up fast. That’s a good thing, because now it’s…

September? Well, this is just unfair. No reasonable person can expect so much from one lone knitter. What fool came up with this plan, anyhow?

And now it’s October, which is totally ridiculous. Forget the socks. Everybody outside of the immediate family is getting a hat. Hats are easy, and everybody needs a hat in winter, which is almost here if the stupid calendar can be believed. Which it can’t, because they apparently left out most of the November page.

What? I don’t care if it’s Thanksgiving, I have to finish at least one thing on the list. Eat without me. Yes, I know that Great-Aunt Maudie made her famous Gelatin Surprise. Been there, ate that, bought the antacid. Lemme just finish this row, because it’s…

Oh, crud. December is here. Okay, Plan R. We skip the individual gifts and every FAMILY gets… uh… Stockings! Yes, a family Christmas stocking is just the thing. Things. Nine of them. Let’s see, three weeks to Christmas, and three stockings per week. Perfect. If I don’t sleep more than five hours a night, it won’t be long until…

Until I’m standing in the yarn aisle in August, snarling and muttering to myself about the complete lack of red-and-green yarn with sparklies. I have to do better this year. I know everyone SAID that they were thrilled with their individual handknit coasters, but I’m pretty sure they were just trying to make me feel better.

3 comments:

rachel said...

Oh dear. Be careful you don't turn into the sort of elderly auntie who knits everyone a hideous sweater for Christmas (remember the one in Bridget Jones' Diary?) and then expects them to be wear it?

Molly said...

If you change the knitting to quilting this could be me! The calendars in my house are similarly unreliable. They skip blithely from month to month, flip pages, don't even give me adequate time to savor the photos of the Irish countryside before they're off, flipping again! Logic tells me it's really only about February, but the steaming heat and humidity makes me suspicious---is my name actually Van Winkle?? August already? It's a disgrace....someone ought to speak to the Man Upstairs....Get Him to slow the universe down a bit and let us get caught up.

Lourie said...

How about cozies for the toaster and blender. :D